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“If I’m going to rely on you…

… then as we stay in touch on meaningless things, we can eventually work effectively together,” John T. Cacioppo says, observing what is happening with the daily tidbits of news we get about each other via Facebook and Twitter.  

Ironically, reading online about each other’s daily life means, for some including Julia Angwin, that they can dive into a “deeper conversation” when they finally do get together. 

This “small talk” – even when not direct or in person, makes us feel more familiar to each other. Observes Cacioppo, “It’s like team practice – a basketball team has to practice together to win.” Cacioppo was speaking as a neuroscientist.  

Yet there’s a big caveat. One may not get a true picture of what’s going on.

Angwin, as a journalist, compared what she read online about friends with what she discovered when she called them.  While their brief online observations and comments were upbeat, both were going through difficult times.

That led Angwin to this wise, timeless insight, “I still find it reassuring to read my daily feed of status updates from friends and family. But next time I talk to my online friends, I plan to ask: “How are you …. really?”

In that moment, as Wilfred Bion suggests, prepare to “listen without memory or desire.” Listen for what is not said at first. Then the top-of-mind need or hurt or hope may tumble out.  

 

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7 Comments

  1. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 2:02 am | Permalink

    Kare,
    In-“If I’m going to rely on you… we are exposed to some brilliant minds that tempt us to dive into a “deeper conversation.” John T Cacioppo a neuroscientist in his “A Letter to Young Scientists” states “Be serious and not at all serious about your science, at the same time, all the time.” Julia Angwin, as a journalist asks -“But is digital small talk as effective as real small talk? Small talk is defined as’ trivial or casual’ conversation in the American Heritage Dictionary.”
    The status updates of Twitter and Face book are different than most small talk because they are broadcast to a large group of people. “It’s more like you’re performing on the stage of a big party,” says Mimi Ito, a cultural anthropologist. Some updates seem personal and intimate, while others are clearly self promotional and therefore less believable category,Angwin continues. Cacioppo says that people have different boundaries for what they will share.
    It is not that digital small talk is deceitful (although some probably is). Rather, it creates a cocoon of information that may not paint a full picture(Angwin)…..”How are you really?”
    Finally, Wilfred Bion suggests..”listen without memory or desire.” Listen to what is not said at first. Then the top-of-mind need or hurt or hope may tumble out. Listen or thy tongue will keep the deaf. -Proverb
    Rumi, says-“When the lips are sealed, the heart utters a million things.”
    In the context of Kare’s previous post -“Creditable experience is the starting point, for sure-yet understanding your prospective market is just as vital.” How then in this case do they fit together, so that we can design how to deliver two uncertainties and see ourselves and the others learning ?
    To be more explicit I will suggest that we take a close look at the following types of reasoning:

    Inductive Reasoning

    Adjusting a course of action based upon a limited amount of information gathered. It is a process where one starts from a specific experience and draws inferences (generalizations) from it. For example, a salesperson, by observing a potential customer’s reaction to the sales presentation, may induce what the customer’s needs and personality are and what should be said to obtain the sale.

    Deductive Reasoning

    Observance of an event occurring on a repeated basis that leads one to believe that a certain probability is attached to the occurrence of that event. For example, if there are a red ball and a blue ball in a bag, and each color ball is drawn one-half of the time, we come to believe that each color ball has a one-half probability of being drawn at any one time.

    Abductive Reasoning -Business tends to focus on inductive thinking based on directly observable facts and deductive thinking such as logic and analysis is based on past evidence. However-
    Design thinking emphasizes on abductive thinking-imagining of what could be possible. This new thinking approach helps us challenge assumed constraints and add to ideas, versus discouraging them.

    Term introduced by Peirce for the process of using evidence to reach a wider conclusion, as in inference to the best explanation. Peirce described abduction as a creative process, but stressed that the results are subject to rational evaluation. However he anticipated later pessimism about the prospects of confirmation theory, denying that we can assess the results of abduction in terms of probability.
    Lastly:

    I have prepared something from LAO-TZU ,chapter-56 :

    Those who know do not talk.

    Those who talk do not know.

    Keep your mouth closed.

    Guard your senses.

    Temper your sharpness.

    Simplify your problems.

    Mask your brightness.

    Be at one with the dust of the earth.

    This is primal union.

    He who has achieved this state

    Is unconcerned with friends and enemies,

    With good and harm, with honor and disgrace.

    This therefore is the highest state of man.

    Mike.

  2. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 2:02 am | Permalink

    Kare,
    In-“If I’m going to rely on you… we are exposed to some brilliant minds that tempt us to dive into a “deeper conversation.” John T Cacioppo a neuroscientist in his “A Letter to Young Scientists” states “Be serious and not at all serious about your science, at the same time, all the time.” Julia Angwin, as a journalist asks -“But is digital small talk as effective as real small talk? Small talk is defined as’ trivial or casual’ conversation in the American Heritage Dictionary.”
    The status updates of Twitter and Face book are different than most small talk because they are broadcast to a large group of people. “It’s more like you’re performing on the stage of a big party,” says Mimi Ito, a cultural anthropologist. Some updates seem personal and intimate, while others are clearly self promotional and therefore less believable category,Angwin continues. Cacioppo says that people have different boundaries for what they will share.
    It is not that digital small talk is deceitful (although some probably is). Rather, it creates a cocoon of information that may not paint a full picture(Angwin)…..”How are you really?”
    Finally, Wilfred Bion suggests..”listen without memory or desire.” Listen to what is not said at first. Then the top-of-mind need or hurt or hope may tumble out. Listen or thy tongue will keep the deaf. -Proverb
    Rumi, says-“When the lips are sealed, the heart utters a million things.”
    In the context of Kare’s previous post -“Creditable experience is the starting point, for sure-yet understanding your prospective market is just as vital.” How then in this case do they fit together, so that we can design how to deliver two uncertainties and see ourselves and the others learning ?
    To be more explicit I will suggest that we take a close look at the following types of reasoning:

    Inductive Reasoning

    Adjusting a course of action based upon a limited amount of information gathered. It is a process where one starts from a specific experience and draws inferences (generalizations) from it. For example, a salesperson, by observing a potential customer’s reaction to the sales presentation, may induce what the customer’s needs and personality are and what should be said to obtain the sale.

    Deductive Reasoning

    Observance of an event occurring on a repeated basis that leads one to believe that a certain probability is attached to the occurrence of that event. For example, if there are a red ball and a blue ball in a bag, and each color ball is drawn one-half of the time, we come to believe that each color ball has a one-half probability of being drawn at any one time.

    Abductive Reasoning -Business tends to focus on inductive thinking based on directly observable facts and deductive thinking such as logic and analysis is based on past evidence. However-
    Design thinking emphasizes on abductive thinking-imagining of what could be possible. This new thinking approach helps us challenge assumed constraints and add to ideas, versus discouraging them.

    Term introduced by Peirce for the process of using evidence to reach a wider conclusion, as in inference to the best explanation. Peirce described abduction as a creative process, but stressed that the results are subject to rational evaluation. However he anticipated later pessimism about the prospects of confirmation theory, denying that we can assess the results of abduction in terms of probability.
    Lastly:

    I have prepared something from LAO-TZU ,chapter-56 :

    Those who know do not talk.

    Those who talk do not know.

    Keep your mouth closed.

    Guard your senses.

    Temper your sharpness.

    Simplify your problems.

    Mask your brightness.

    Be at one with the dust of the earth.

    This is primal union.

    He who has achieved this state

    Is unconcerned with friends and enemies,

    With good and harm, with honor and disgrace.

    This therefore is the highest state of man.

    Mike.

  3. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 20, 2009 at 2:02 am | Permalink

    Kare,
    In-“If I’m going to rely on you… we are exposed to some brilliant minds that tempt us to dive into a “deeper conversation.” John T Cacioppo a neuroscientist in his “A Letter to Young Scientists” states “Be serious and not at all serious about your science, at the same time, all the time.” Julia Angwin, as a journalist asks -“But is digital small talk as effective as real small talk? Small talk is defined as’ trivial or casual’ conversation in the American Heritage Dictionary.”
    The status updates of Twitter and Face book are different than most small talk because they are broadcast to a large group of people. “It’s more like you’re performing on the stage of a big party,” says Mimi Ito, a cultural anthropologist. Some updates seem personal and intimate, while others are clearly self promotional and therefore less believable category,Angwin continues. Cacioppo says that people have different boundaries for what they will share.
    It is not that digital small talk is deceitful (although some probably is). Rather, it creates a cocoon of information that may not paint a full picture(Angwin)…..”How are you really?”
    Finally, Wilfred Bion suggests..”listen without memory or desire.” Listen to what is not said at first. Then the top-of-mind need or hurt or hope may tumble out. Listen or thy tongue will keep the deaf. -Proverb
    Rumi, says-“When the lips are sealed, the heart utters a million things.”
    In the context of Kare’s previous post -“Creditable experience is the starting point, for sure-yet understanding your prospective market is just as vital.” How then in this case do they fit together, so that we can design how to deliver two uncertainties and see ourselves and the others learning ?
    To be more explicit I will suggest that we take a close look at the following types of reasoning:

    Inductive Reasoning

    Adjusting a course of action based upon a limited amount of information gathered. It is a process where one starts from a specific experience and draws inferences (generalizations) from it. For example, a salesperson, by observing a potential customer’s reaction to the sales presentation, may induce what the customer’s needs and personality are and what should be said to obtain the sale.

    Deductive Reasoning

    Observance of an event occurring on a repeated basis that leads one to believe that a certain probability is attached to the occurrence of that event. For example, if there are a red ball and a blue ball in a bag, and each color ball is drawn one-half of the time, we come to believe that each color ball has a one-half probability of being drawn at any one time.

    Abductive Reasoning -Business tends to focus on inductive thinking based on directly observable facts and deductive thinking such as logic and analysis is based on past evidence. However-
    Design thinking emphasizes on abductive thinking-imagining of what could be possible. This new thinking approach helps us challenge assumed constraints and add to ideas, versus discouraging them.

    Term introduced by Peirce for the process of using evidence to reach a wider conclusion, as in inference to the best explanation. Peirce described abduction as a creative process, but stressed that the results are subject to rational evaluation. However he anticipated later pessimism about the prospects of confirmation theory, denying that we can assess the results of abduction in terms of probability.
    Lastly:

    I have prepared something from LAO-TZU ,chapter-56 :

    Those who know do not talk.

    Those who talk do not know.

    Keep your mouth closed.

    Guard your senses.

    Temper your sharpness.

    Simplify your problems.

    Mask your brightness.

    Be at one with the dust of the earth.

    This is primal union.

    He who has achieved this state

    Is unconcerned with friends and enemies,

    With good and harm, with honor and disgrace.

    This therefore is the highest state of man.

    Mike.

  4. Posted June 27, 2009 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    Mike I’ve just read and re-read your meaty post and thank you for all those insights about apparently contradictory research and ways of thinking.

  5. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 29, 2009 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    Kare. Do not worry about your difficulties in comprehending such “meaty” and contradictory research and

    alternative ways of thinking. I can assure you mine are still greater. “If I could have said it, I wouldn’t have had

    to dance it.” Isadora Duncan. Therapeutic silence , will have to be my saving grace , after reading and studying

    your forthcoming most relevant posts, for which I thank you in advance.

  6. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 29, 2009 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    Kare. Do not worry about your difficulties in comprehending such “meaty” and contradictory research and

    alternative ways of thinking. I can assure you mine are still greater. “If I could have said it, I wouldn’t have had

    to dance it.” Isadora Duncan. Therapeutic silence , will have to be my saving grace , after reading and studying

    your forthcoming most relevant posts, for which I thank you in advance.

  7. Michael Yanakiev
    Posted June 29, 2009 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    Kare. Do not worry about your difficulties in comprehending such “meaty” and contradictory research and

    alternative ways of thinking. I can assure you mine are still greater. “If I could have said it, I wouldn’t have had

    to dance it.” Isadora Duncan. Therapeutic silence , will have to be my saving grace , after reading and studying

    your forthcoming most relevant posts, for which I thank you in advance.

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