Adopt This Counterintuitive Way To Be Well-Liked
One of the biggest misconceptions about connecting is seeking, first, to be liked. In fact, the counterintuitive way to get someone to like you is in knowing this core truth: If they like the way they feel when around you, they will like you. In fact, they will project onto you the character traits they most like in others, even if you have not yet exhibited them. Conversely, if they do not like the way they act when around you, they will instinctively blame you for it, regardless of the true reason. They will project onto you some of the qualities they most dislike in others. What’s worse, they will go out of their way to prove they are right, even in ways that damage their reputation as well as yours.
Anchor Your Stories in Redemptive Themes
Rather than making yourself the victim or the hero in the stories you tell, describe a daunting time of loss, crisis, or criticism or where you made a mistake or acted badly, yet you were eventually able to learn from it. Such stories show vulnerability and a desire to grow and live fully rather than in fear. Then that facet of you can be the place where others can positively and productively connect with you, hard-earned strengths firmly attached together. You can support each other in reinforcing redemptive characterizations and action.
Go Slow to Go Fast
When you see someone’s interest rise in the conversation, you have a glimpse of the hook that can best connect you together. Ask follow-up questions, directly related to what that person just said. If you do just this much, recent research shows you are among the five percent of Americans in conversation. In so doing, you accomplish two things. You’ve increased their openness and warmth toward you, because you’ve demonstrated you care. And you’ve had a closer look at the hook that most matters to them in the conversation. Now you can speak to their hottest interest, in a way that can serve you both.
Boost Bonding Among Team Members and Friendship Circles
Ask them, when together, to do two powerfully simple things that can be done rather quickly:
1. Write down the ways they are like each other. Hint: Create a level playing field. Writing rather than immediately sharing helps slow thinkers keep up with fast thinkers. Fast thinkers aren’t smarter, just different in their thinking processes, and each kind has advantages and pitfalls, so they can accomplish more together than when a majority in a group think and speak at the same speed. Hint: Salespeople are often fast thinkers.
2. Share with each other what they wrote, going around the circle, one by one.
Bonus benefit: Other studies show that when you reflect on how you are similar to those with whom you are talking, you pay more attention to them. You care about them more. That spurs the other person to listen more closely to you.”
Get Clear on Your Core Mission With and For Others
The stronger the signal you send yourself of your highest purpose, the more likely you are to notice ways to serve it:
• Your specificity boosts your clarity, credibility and memorability.
• The specific detail proves the general conclusion, not the reverse yet we are most likely to write and speak first in generalizations.
• Your focus on interconnectedness increases your frequency of serendipitous encounters, unexpected insights and deeper friendships.
Adopt a Three-Step Method for Making Stronger Connections
Take the Triangle Talk approach to connecting and reaching agreement with others: You, Me, Us. First refer to their interest, then yours – and then note how your interests coincide. This approach enables diverse people to gain traction sooner toward a common goal.”
Connect Sooner and Better With Others
Speak sooner to sweet spot of shared interest to cultivate a meaningful connection, first step to creating something greater together. Also share the story in which others see a role they want to play so they’ll re- share it to make it “our” story. Hint: Whoever most vividly characterizes a situation usually determines how others see it, talk about it, and make decisions about it