Have you noticed that when
someone is acting like a jerk, you are likely to point out that
behavior to her by your words or tone of voice?
And then she goes out of her way to prove it to you some more?
Why? Because our biggest gut instinct is for survival. That primitive,
instinctual reaction causes us to escalate situations in which we
are unhappy, or to withdraw and complain to others.
More negotiations break down over ego differences than over content
differences.
Ironically, the person who has the most to teach you right now
is the person you perceive to be the biggest jerk in your life.
Understanding how you can have more positively powerful reactions
to their difficult behavior will give you more options around that
person and others who also prove difficult.
Consider that jerk your boot camp, from which you can graduate to
living a less stressful and more satisfying life.
Don’t let somebody else determine your behavior. The sweetest
revenge is a well-lived life.
Burning or building bridges
The sign of a positively powerful person is that she can often turn
a situation around and bring out the jerk’s good side, even
deepening the relationship in the process.
When you act to let someone self-correct and save face, instead
of withdrawing to complain or escalating in defense and telling
them to change, you can deepen that person’s trust and her
loyalty to you. You can build unlikely allies and friends.
Unless someone feels safe with you, they will literally not be
able to hear you, let alone respond.Get along by reading their operational
manual
What causes people to like you and agree with you?The two main predictors
of someone’s behavior toward you are: Their operating manual,
which they are constantly showing you by their strongest reactions
to others.
The manner in which they characterize the good and bad behaviors
of others. Learn where people put their most intense energy and
attention: Their hot buttons or blind spots (what makes them angry
or afraid), their points of pride (what makes them happy or confident).
You will find it more difficult to recognize these two areas in
people for whom you already have strong negative or positive feelings.
It’s easier to determine the areas in people you know less
well or feel less strongly about. You can build a connection with
someone when you either help them through times that bring up their
hot buttons, or align with one of the parts of themselves they most
like.
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When someone feels good
about himself when he is around you, he will instinctively see in
you the qualities he most admires in others, some of which you may
never demonstrate that you actually have.
He may also give you credit for things in which you've played only
a minor role. He may go out of his way to help you, even putting
your needs and interests ahead of his own.
If, on the other hand, he does not like the way he acts when he
is around you, he will blame you for it, more than he is consciously
aware.
He will see in you some of the qualities he does not like in others.
He may not give you credit for your accomplishments.
He may instinctively undermine your work, even when such sabotage
will also hurt him.
Here are tips to building genuinely good will and enduring relationships:
Make them shine.
If people don’t like the way they are when they are around
you, they will blame you for it, and not be aware they are doing
so. They will sabotage projects on which you’re working, even
to their own detriment. They will fail to give you credit and see
qualities in you they don’t like in other people.
On the other hand, if people like the way they are when they are
around you, they will see in you the qualities they like in other
people (even if you don’t demonstrate you have them), give
you generous credit, and go out of their way to help you.
Give up front.
To show your commitment to reaching agreement, offer something up
front, unasked.
Demonstrate consistent, visible good will.
As a daily habit to all, not just to important contacts, remember
people form first impressions in the first seven to twenty seconds,
which take a significant emotional event to change.
You ask people to change; people don’t like to change.
People are most likely to change when:
- You are able to demonstrate how your request is an extension
of their values, self image, or prior actions.
- Or they may change when others they respect have already done
something similar, not when you are asking them to do something
new.
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Ask the best question
in the world. What’s the single most effective question
you can ask?
Men: Whenever you ask any woman (co-worker, family member, vendor)
this question, you will bring out her better side, and make life
happier for you! Keep reading.
Deepen their commitment before you ask for support or a sale. The
more time a person has spent on a project, prospective purchase,
sale, or relationship, the less likely they are to withdraw.
Further, the more actions people take on behalf of a belief, the
more intensely they will believe it.
To make your customers more articulate, loyal advocates who are
more likely to praise your product to others, try these steps:
Ask what they like best about your product or service. As they
answer, be a complete listener who leans into the conversation with
full eye attention. Then thank them for their views and ask if you
can share their thoughts with your co-workers to further improve
your product. Could they write down their views in just a sentence
or two?
Each step deepens their belief and helps them hone their argument.
People are always more inclined to buy for their reasons, not yours.
You've just helped them be more aware and committed to their reasons,
thus more likely to suggest that others also buy.
Best all-round question you can ask to show respect: Can you tell
me more about that?
Ask this versatile question when you want to strengthen, not fray
a relationship. Such situations might include: You are spitting
mad and need to cool down. You have a blank mind and want to re-group.
You want to make her more committed to what she is discussing.
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Kare Anderson is the founder of the Say It Better
Center, located in Sausalito, CA. She can be reached via email at
kare@sayitbetter.com.
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