Actions often speak louder
than words. In fact, they often precede your words as you walk into
a room to meet someone. Therefore your actions are the signals you
give others from which they judge you in that first seven to twenty
seconds that Americans now take to make a first impression of others.
To establish a first impression of comfort and credibility, remember
these three words: lower, slower and less. When you first meet someone
talk and move less, with lower and slower and fewer gesture and
voice rate and level. You don’t have to look comatose, just
not speedy. This serves two purposes. First, people subconsciously
associate self-confidence and empathy with this body style, although
it has no provable relationship to those human qualities. Second,
humans, like all other animals, need to feel comfortable in a new
situation before they can literally hear other people and begin
to form positive feelings towards them.
The most reliable way to feel more comfortable is to get “in
sync” with others. Getting in sync is a two-step dance. First,
by minimizing your movements and voice in the beginning, others
have less “data” to process so they can get comfortable
with you more quickly. Then, second: bring out the part of you which
is most like the person you are with, literally in how you look
and sound to them. Why? Because people are most comfortable with
and favorably disposed towards people who look right, like them.
While you can’t make many changes of the four main ways we
are either similar or different (age, sex, ethnicity and size) you
can become more like them. Children do this instinctively. As adults
we have lost the instinct to get into sync with others, except in
the thrall of early romantic love.
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Your every move is telling
the world what you expect from it.
In fact, as adults, we tend to act more differently as we are around
people unlike us, thus accentuating our differences and further
increasing the sense of discomfort, distrust and potential for conflict.
How can you become more like someone else? By making your voice
rate, volume and volubility and your amount and kind of gestures
and other body movements approximate theirs. Before they can feel
comfortable
Curious about how to read others better? Conversely, would you
like some insights on how to cover your feelings when you want to
keep them private from others who are around you?
Here’s a place to begin. While the expression on your face
may reveal how you fee, your body language will indicate the intensity
of that feeling. We literally leak --to use the scientific term
-- our feelings. In fact there is a system called the Efforte-Shape
system for recording body movement for study that is derived from
dance choreography notation. It offers a way to attempt to understand
what sequences of gesture have what meaning in what cultures.
Some gestures are nearly universal in meaning. For example, watch
men in the company of other men they do not like. Their posture
will become more strained, tense and often rigid. On the other hand,
women tend to assume an over relaxed position with people they dislike.
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Body Signs and
Their Possible Meaning
Follow this guide to observe physical changes in someone else and
discern their possible emotional meaning. Remember, these indicates
are not true for everyone.
sweats:
may indicate an increase in some emotional feeling
blinks more:
may indicate an increase in some emotional feeling
dilated pupils:
often indicates arousal or fear
blushes:
may signal embarrassment, shame, anger or guilt
talks louder and faster:
usually signals anger, fear or other excitement
talks slower and softer:
may signal sadness or boredom
raises body gestures:
signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger
breathes fast and shallow:
indicates the presence of emotion
Are You Out on a Limb?
Gestures are emblems of feelings. Using too many gestures usually
takes away from the potency of your presence, just as talking high,
fast, loud and/or a lot diminishes your power and credibility.
Most people cannot help “leaking” their feelings. Fortunately
few of us are attuned to noticing the often subtle signals that
indicate strong emotion in others. Or we misread the signals.
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Kare Anderson is the founder of the Say It Better
Center, located in Sausalito, CA. She can be reached via email at
kare@sayitbetter.com.
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