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How do you handle conflict? Ignore it? Get defensive?
Blame it on someone or something else? There are better ways to
handle conflict and criticism. Try following these tips.
Don't assume they readily see the picture you are presenting.
Do
not presume the person recognizes the benefits of what you’re proposing.
Take time to vividly describe them in their terms.
Don't push to close.
When considering how fast to move in
suggesting a "final offer" or other form of agreement, lean towards
moving slower, especially at first.
Have a main spokesperson.
If there is more than one person representing your interests, have
one person take the lead in discussions.
Don't offer what you can't accept.
Do not bluff in making an offer you cannot live with, if accepted.
Make the same offer a different way.
Do not overlook rearranging the same elements of an offer to find
a more mutually attractive compromise.
Walk your talk.
Find ways to reflect your values in how you approach work and your
personal life. Your mission provides daily context and boundaries.
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Be present.
As many contests require, "You have to be present to win." Keep
grounded and involved in what is happening right now, what is being
said at the moment, glancing to the past and future only for context
and balance.
Consider how you say what you say.
Consider their perspective in how you make any request. For example,
a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying,
which led to a denial of his request. Yet if he'd asked if he could
pray while smoking he might have received a positive response.
Make and keep agreements.
In an often unpredictable world, you build an "emotional deposit'
of trust when your words and actions aren't contradictory. Then
when you make mistakes, as you will, they have built up a level
of trust to help them forgive your lapse.
Have a larger vision of yourself as your reference point for
making daily choices.
Establish your central life purpose and core values and let your
actions reflect them. Your choices are much easier to make, you
will inspire loyalty and attract others to act out their best side
when around you.
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Take your high road.
Have a core set of values and a vision of your service and role
in your life; relate your vision to the mission of your organization,
your role among family and friends and your actions in reaching
agreements.
Show them the positive longer view.
Many seemingly foolish disagreements and negotiations are simply
acting to prevent looking foolish later on. The best peacemakers
work hardest to allay the other person's worries first.
Look for the real source of the anger.
When someone is angry with you, consider that she may be upset with
herself before you respond.
Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed.
When you are involved in any argument lasting more than ten minutes,
ask yourself: "Are we arguing about what our disagreement is really
about or is there a deeper conflict not being discussed?"
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Kare Anderson is the founder of the Say It Better
Center, located in Sausalito, CA. She can be reached via email at
kare@sayitbetter.com.
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