|
"Critical comments
can be like a scalpel cutting to the bone," says Kare Anderson
of The Communicate to Connect Center. Like it or not, everyone
makes mistakes and poor decisions for which they receive criticism.
And many professionals, no matter how hard they work to succeed,
waste time with negative self-talk. They hope internal verbal abuse
will make them better leaders.
Are We Too Hard on Ourselves?
Sometimes leaders should be hard on themselves, like in the cases
of the illegal acts and highly unethical decisions that have recently
been prominent in the media. But people are frequently too hard
on themselves about the occasional poor decision, tending to beat
themselves up for one bad choice.
As children, we were told "no" more than 35,000 times
before we entered kindergarten. Negative statements made by those
professing to help us could be devastating. As we grew up, these
negative statements made permanent impressions on our psyches. Then,
as adults, we restate these negative comments internally any time
someone criticizes our work or mentions our flaws. Within a few
seconds, an entire lifetime of negativity surfaces, leaving us beaten
and battered.
Women vs. Men
Experts say women tend to handle criticism and negativity differently
from how men do. In fact, the old adage for businesswomen has been,
"Die before cry!" Women tend to take such evaluation in
the workplace much more personally. Women actually associate with
the pain of a negative situation, while men disassociate from it.
One boss used to tell me to "toughen up," "thicken
your skin" and "keep a stiff upper lip."
Back to top
|
I wasn't too crazy about
his advice, but he helped me in my career. As a leader, I don't
let criticism bother me so much and can overcome it more quickly.
Handle Criticism Like a Pro
According to Dr. Christina Swart-Opperman, a partner at PricewaterhouseCoopers,
there are three A's to follow when presented with criticism: ask,
acknowledge and add. In her bimonthly newsletter she says, "Immediately,
your instincts kick in; you're hurt and offended, and you want to
strike. Frequently, though, you'll only exacerbate the problem by
responding with anger."
She suggest acknowledging the critic with a nod and a word or two
to let him know you heard what was said, not that you agree. Don't
immediately decide if the criticism is justified, and don't lay
blame. Next, ask the critic to listen to your side of the story.
The key is to consider the criticism rationally and not emotionally.
Show you are willing to listen, and hopefully he will do the same.
Finally, add your thoughts and decide if you agree with the criticism.
If you need to apologize, do so.
Some additional ideas to think about:
- Consider whether you need to make some personal changes.
- Say, "Stop," to yourself when negative self-talk starts.
- View the situation as a stepping-stone instead of a brick wall.
- Learn the lesson and move on. Never dwell on criticism.
- Don't hold a grudge. They only hurt you, not the other person.
Back to top |
These steps will help you
disassociate from the pain of the criticism and deal with the situation
as a professional.
Learn From Your Mistakes
The famous motivator, Denis Waitley says, "Don't dwell on what
went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies
on moving forward toward finding the answer." Business guru,
Tom Peters says, "Fail forward." Philosopher, Jim Rohn
says, "The only way to get more in life is to become more.
We all experience criticism. The more we achieve, the more we get.
Take a positive view of criticism and, allow it to take you to the
next level."
This is sound advice, but refusing to accept personal responsibility
for mistakes is the biggest error. Learn from mistakes and don't
get caught in the blame game. Move on, focus on the overall goal
and show your team you're a pro.
Back to top
Kare Anderson is the founder of the Say It Better
Center, located in Sausalito, CA. She can be reached via email at
kare@sayitbetter.com.
|
