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38 specific "yes" trigger tips to help you reduce friction
and sidestep conflicts as you seek to secure agreements that last.
1. Anticipate what you want out of a situation before you
go into it.
Savvy negotiator Howard Raiffa once said, "It is easier to
deal with a jerk who knows what he wants than a pleasant person
who doesn't." Know your most important goal in the situation
in advance. Then you will be more able to listen and be open and
flexible in the situation. Without a goal, you have less context;
thus you listen less and are more likely to be rigid and reactionary.
You can always change your goal in the situation.
2. Demonstrate visible goodwill up front.
Establish your willingness to find a compromise and your ability
to be genial even and especially if you don't like the person or
the situation. This is first a commitment to your own standard of
behavior and, second, the best way to keep the channels open.
3. Know that "less is often more."
Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, and
keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors
increase the chances that others will feel more safe and comfortable
around you.
4. Go slow to go fast.
When you first meet and re-meet people, move and talk more slowly
and obliquely. Give them room to "own their territory"
and feel heard. Later you can be more direct and move quickly. For
role models, watch the classic TV lead characters (with the sound
on and off) in "Murder, She Wrote," "Matlock,"
and "Columbo."
5. Act as if the world is going to treat you well.
Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have
none, and you are more likely to eventually bring out their more
positive side.
6. Play with your full deck.
You had a wide variety of physical and verbal ways of behaving,
from understated to outspoken, most of which you've lost after around
fourth grade. Now you have a more narrow range of behaviors. "Play
with your full deck" by using more "cards" -- that
is, more ways of reacting to others. Widen your range of behaviors
to act more like the person you are with: voice level and range,
kinds and number of body motions, and so on. When you are more like
them, you will feel more familiar to them, so you can get "in
sync" and they can feel more comfortable with you and what
you have to say.
7. Step outside yourself to see the situation as the other
people might.
In hostile situations we tend to focus on the best parts of how
we are acting and the worst parts of how they are acting. This causes
escalation. Presume innocence. You can't support the positive side
of people by giving more negative feedback.
8. Make an instinctual habit to refer to the other person's
interests first.
Practice the thoughtful approach to connecting with others -- "Triangle
Talk," referring to their interests first (you), then how the
topic relates to your mutual interests (us), and finally, how it
relates to your interests (me). Research shows they will listen
sooner, longer, remember more, and assume you have a higher IQ than
if you address your interests first and then theirs.
9. Act to enable them to save face and self-correct, and
you will preserve the relationship.
If you think they are lying, keep asking questions (until you lose
control or run out of imagination) rather than accusing them of
misrepresentation. Asking questions gives you the time to see if,
if fact, you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself.
If your suspicions prove correct, by asking questions, you are gently
inquiring rather than blaming, thus allowing them to acknowledge
a mistake or misunderstanding and save face. They are then more
likely to correct the situation. You also leave room to escalate
later if they do not acknowledge the error.
10. Honor commonalities more frequently than bringing up
the differences.
Whatever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center
of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their
points that you can support and want to expand upon.
11. Don't assume they readily see the picture you are presenting.
Do not presume that the other person recognizes all the benefits
of what you are proposing. Take time to vividly describe the benefits
in their terms.
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12. Don't push
to close.
When considering how fast to move in to suggest a "final offer"
or other form of agreement, lean toward moving slower, especially
at first. The best results, as in making a Chinese meal, happen
with the most time spent on advanced preparation and groundwork,
so the final part goes most smoothly and quickly.
13. Have a main spokesperson.
If there is more than one person representing you or your group's
interests, make sure only one person is responsible for taking the
lead in discussions and that each person knows the content area
and personality style they will represent.
14. Don't offer what you can't accept.
Do not bluff by making an offer you cannot live with if the other
person accepts it. For example, in making an offer, do not include
anything you believe the other person would find unacceptable and
not accept. You might misjudge the person or the situation and find
that the person does accept your offer.
15. Make the same offer a different way.
Do not overlook rearranging the same elements of an offer to find
a more mutually attractive compromise. For example, in money, consider
alternative timing and division of payments.
16. Walk your talk.
Find ways to reflect your values in how you approach your work and
all the people in your life. Your mission gives you your daily context
and boundaries.
17. Be present.
As many contests require, "You have to be present to win."
Keep grounded and involved in what is happening right now and what
is being said at the moment, glancing to the past and future only
for context and balance.
18. Consider how you say what you say.
Consider their perspective in how you make any request. For example,
a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying,
which led to a denial of his request. Yet if he'd asked if he could
pray while smoking, he might have received a positive response.
19. Make and keep agreements.
In an often unpredictable world, you build an "emotional deposit"
of trust when your words and actions aren't contradictory. Then
when you make mistakes, as you will, they have built up a level
of trust to help them forgive your lapse.
20. Have a larger vision of yourself as your reference
point for making daily choices.
Establish your central life purpose and core values and let your
actions reflect them. Your choices are much easier to make, and
you will inspire loyalty and attract others to act out their best
side when around you.
21. Take your high road.
Have a core set of values and a vision of your service and role
in your life. Relate your vision to the mission of your organization,
your role among family and friends, and your actions in reaching
agreements
22. Use time, rather than letting time control you.
Plan and act early to avoid last-minute rushing and thinking. Do
not be panicked when you have unavoidable outside time constraints.
Use the time pressure to get more accomplished in less time.
23. Find fairness first.
Remember it is usually more important to be -- and appear to be
-- fair than well-liked. And, while not mutually exclusive, they
are not always interchangeable options.
24. Agree among yourselves first.
If more than one person is involved in representing one perspective
in a conflict, it is always helpful to agree on the bottom line
first among yourselves and to not mistake knowing the content to
be discussed with agreeing on your common bottom line. We don't
always hear the same things, even among genial colleagues. Thus
your bottom line and specific approach bear repeating among yourselves
before you enter discussions with others.
25. Always show respect in your process even if you can't
respect the person.
If you embarrass someone while trying to reach agreement, you may
never have their full attention again.
26. Recognize your blind spots and your hot buttons.
When you find yourself getting angry with someone else, look to
yourself before lashing out.
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27. There is
no single "right method."
The best way to reach an agreement depends more on the situation
than on a set negotiating style or method.
28. Show respect for yourself by respecting them.
Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a
victim of the underdog.
29. Trust the power of trust over all other qualities.
Being right, smart, or hardworking is often no help in protecting
your interests. Being trusted to act in mutual best interests is
often more valuable.
30. Be a "synthesizer "leader.
The person who listens longest at first and then most refers to
others' points in common as a way of stating their own perspective
will eventually gain the most power in a group.
31. Support their pride in how they are performing well.
The more they like the way they are when they are around you, the
greater the chance is that they will like you -- even giving you
credit for things you did not do and going out of the way to help
you, sometimes to their own detriment. On the other hand, if they
do not like the way they are when they are around you, they will
blame you for it more than they are consciously aware. They won't
give you credit for things you did and might even sabotage projects
on which you are working, sometimes to their own detriment.
32. Make them feel safe and respected.
In every situation, people are guided by their fears and opportunities,
their instinctual likes and dislikes. They will always respond quicker,
stronger, and longer to what they fear and dislike. Acknowledge
and respond first to their concerns and they will be open to hearing
about the opportunities.
33. Help them change.
People change most easily when they believe others they respect
have already done something similar. Your third-party endorsements
from those other people are a credible grounding for your points.
34. Paint your biggest, best picture for others.
Give people a vivid picture of all they could have, and they often
won't settle for the lesser option they originally considered.
35. Show them the positive longer view.
Many seemingly foolish disagreements and negotiations are simply
acting to prevent looking foolish later on. The best peacemakers
work hardest to allay the other person's worries first.
36. Look for the real source of the anger.
When someone is angry with you, consider that she may be upset with
herself before you respond.
37. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are
discussed.
When you are involved in any argument lasting more than ten minutes,
ask yourself: "Are we arguing about what our disagreement is
really about or is there a deeper conflict not being discussed?"
38. Aim humor at yourself.
One way to release tension is to poke fun at yourself. Make reference
to a situation where you did something foolish.
Want to Learn More?
A must read:
Reminders for Reaching Agreements.
If you'd like to learn a powerfully simple approach to reducing
and resolving conflicts in your life, get Kare Anderson's E-Book
right now: Getting in the Habit of Getting Along With Others: How
to Reduce Friction, Resolve Conflict and Reach Better Agreements
More Easily in Everyday Life. It includes over 300 supportive techniques
and is packed with examples.
As well, Kare recommends these books on negotiation, honing your
skills for handling conflict or difficult people, body language,
connect or persuade, or cooperate & collaborate.
Kare Anderson is the founder of the Say It Better
Center, located in Sausalito, CA. She can be reached via email at
kare@sayitbetter.com.
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