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Tag Archive for john gottman

Save Yourself Considerable Grief: Know Your Hot Buttons

Partners — romantic and otherwise — tend to fight when one feels neglected or threatened. When Peter Bregman‘s wife yelled from two rooms away, “at least pack the shampoo” she was feeling neglected. See how Bregman turned a potentially hostile situation around. Recognizing which underlying feeling is being evoked helps you know how to resolve the conflict. So discovered psychology professor Keith Sanford. Which one is your hot button? Find out here. When he feels threatened he sees his partner as critical, blaming, hostile or controlling. When one feels neglected it is because she perceives her partner as failing to contribute sufficiently to… Read More

How to Have More Happiness Moments

An elementary school teacher in rural Arkansas made a bracelet of charms of each student in her class so she could continually remind herself of how she cared about each one, and her passion for teaching them. The rest of the story is the real clincher for seeing that happiness can be a choice. She wakes up each morning with the painful fatigue that most face when they have the chronic, erratic and incurable disease, multiple sclerosis. Many would give up and quit working yet some don’t, as Shawn Achor shows in his new book Before Happiness. Why do different people in the same situation find a… Read More

Why Men Retreat and Women then Go wild

Dr. Pierre Mornell knew he’d hit a raw nerve when both men and women began fervently nodding during his lecture on “modern man’s main secret.” That was in 1987 yet a behavioral scientist I interviewed recently said it felt like yesterday when he sat in that agitated audience. The most recurring, resentment-raising behavior between the sexes, according to Mornell is that “In our own homes, most of us ‘men’ — we would-be emperors — have no clothes. We seek down time, thus seem passive and that drives our women crazy.” 1. He/She Does Not Act Right… Like Me “We have… Read More

Be Happier With Others by First Bringing Out Their Best Side

#1 Tap the Little-Known Secret to First Impressions for Building Likeability Vala Afshar intuitively practices a little-known secret for attracting talented people as friends and colleagues. It’s an obvious truth, once stated. I saw it vividly demonstrated at Pivotcon.Via Twitter, I noticed how he specifically cited others’ insights and accomplishments. Yet it was only in seeing understated Afshar in the packed reception that I saw how people were drawn into his warm orbit. In the midst of this active crowd, with fast-paced conversations, he was able to bring out two essential parts of each person with whom he spoke. In… Read More

What’s Love Got to Do With it?

In a New Yorker cartoon, a bored-looking couple are sitting apart on a couch, facing a smiling therapist who says, “Any healthy relationship requires fundamental acting skills.” Clearly the Michelangelo Effect is not in play. Couples who affirm and support each other’s best side also “sculpt” each other in beneficial ways. They become deeply committed and enjoy fresh experiences and learning – through and with their partner, according to researchers, Arthur Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr. In psychology, this is called self-expansion – growing through experiences with others. Not surprisingly, the dissolution of such relationships is especially devastating to… Read More